The Sun
by crimsonriley
Summary: I barely realized what was happening. Now I realize he is like the sun, painful to look at but far to mesmerizing to look away, warm at first... but....
1. SideA

The Sun Chapter 1  
  
You know there are millions of things that attract a woman to a man. Some are the right reasons and some are the wrong reasons, but what happens when you forget the definitions between the two? Well, it's almost like seeing the perfection of heaven then being banished to the fiery hells of damnation. The end I mean. When you find out you were attracted to him for the wrong reasons, and he doesn't satisfy you like you thought he would. When you thought he walked on water but found he sank like sand. When you love him no matter what, but still remain unhappy. When he hurts you and you can't help but take it because you're still blinded by the pretense of perfection you find in him. When you finally see the light to his way, see him as the defective specimen of the male race that is his. Even when only you can see the potential he might have. You can't explain the heart break that shatters your world. You don't even know who you are anymore. When he puts you down only to build you back up, when he breaks you only to make you perfect again. There are thousands, millions of stories similar to my own, but all those other women and all those other men are nothing like me, Pan Son or like him, Trunks Briefs. Our story, my story is one of love, foolishness, pain, misconception, realization, and rebuilding. It all started so long ago I barely realized what was happening. I was young and impressionable, but most of all I admired him in all his perfection, loved him in all his perfection. Now I realize he is like the sun, painful to look at but far to mesmerizing to look away, warm at first but after long exposure leaves you pained and burned. But the sun also brings new life as well as can rejuvenate old life. He is so . . . like the sun.  
  
I have known Trunks my entire life. He was like an uncle or brother or something for a long time. He is fourteen years my senior and my prince. You see we're hybrids he and I, a mix of human and Saiyan genes. The Saiyans... well I'm sure you all know that part of the story. I need not repeat our history.  
  
Where was I? Oh, my prince Trunks, I admired him for as long as I could remember, but it wasn't until I spent so much time in space with him that he became eternally present. Actually that didn't last long as long as I realized my foolishness of liking him. The first time it was just an infatuation.  
  
Teenagers are so impressionable, everybody knows that. As I aged, I matured and came to terms that he was untouchable and that you never fell in love with your best friend. Besides, he was seeing a different girl every night, each more beautiful and exotic than I could have ever hoped to be or become. I was a fighter, rough and untamed. Trunks was my best friend, always by my side. So instead of realizing I was falling in love with Trunks, to me he became the example every other guy was compared to. Obviously, no one has been or ever will be Trunks Briefs, but if you can't have the original you can try to find the next closest to his perfection.  
  
There were actually a few that came pretty close. Some had the blue eyes that haunted my dreams, and some had the voice with the pitch that echoed in my mind when it was left to wonder. Some of them held me with the strong arms that I imagined Trunks possessed. A couple looked at me with the piecing blue eyes that sent my head spinning. Some had his millions as much as that mattered. Still, you know as well as I, all of them failed in comparison to Trunks because Trunks was the epitome of perfection, simply flawless, at least to me, but then he always was and I thought he always would be.  
  
Trunks and I were friends, always had been. Any problem I had, I took to him and he helped me through it, forever my knight in shining armor. When I was younger and everyone picked on me because I was short, he reminded me that I was stronger than everyone of those kids, that I was Saiyan and to be proud of that. Later, when I couldn't understand physics, he tutored me, even though he was busy at Capsule. When I became a party girl, he was always the one I called for a ride home or an alibi to tell my parents. He always pulled through for me, because he was perfect, you know. Even when I burst into his office in tears, holding a letter from Harvard that told me I was placed on the waiting list, he calmed me, made one phone call, and saved the day as he passed the phone to me to talk to the admissions office. Trunks could do anything. He was perfect.  
  
After college, mother and father said it was time to settle down, get a good job, and make it on my own. I was afraid of what they really meant. I felt like they were telling me that they were no longer going to be there for me at all. I knew in my mind, I could get along very will without their finical support, but I was afraid. So, like every other time in my life, I called on my perfect Trunks.  
  
He laughed at me. Not in a condescending sort of way, rather he was very amused that I was afraid. He explained to me that I'd gone to Harvard; I could have just about any job I wanted even higher than entry level; I could even work for him if I wanted. Unlike my parents, I realized Trunks would never abandon me, no matter how old or mature I became, he'd still try to protect me. I was very foolish in my understanding of my parents wishes, and I suppose, looking back, I was foolish in understanding Trunks. Trunks was far too perfect to be understood.  
  
A few years past, and I was promoted to the head of marketing as well as to the board of trustees for Capsule Corp. Trunks assured me that he had nothing to do with it, and I actually knew that he didn't. The head of marketing was retiring, leaving his job as well as the seat on the board open. My former supervisor admired my work and always told me he saw great things in my future. I'm sure he's surprised how correct he was now.  
  
When I was promoted, I started to spend more time with Trunks presenting new ideas and getting his approval. He'd often tell me that he was so glad I was there. He'd confide in me how he was so miserable with his life, and seeing me, having me around made things better. Knowing that he felt that way made me happy beyond words. I felt that maybe, if he let me, I could try to repay him for all the times in my life that he made me feel better, that he brought me out of despair, and set my feet on the stone again. I guess I thought I owed him that much, but also, he was my very best friend, and I wanted to do anything in my power to make him happy, not matter what it was. He deserved to be happy, couldn't he realize how perfect he was?  
  
I was called into his office more and more. I'm sure rumors spread around the office like wildfire. It was to be expected, but nothing ever happened between us. He'd call me in, ask me how things were going, and then he'd breakdown tell me all his problems. Sometimes it was questions that had to do with the company. Other times, he wanted relationship advice. I'd give the best guidance I could as well as a few assuring hugs. He'd laugh at how right I was. Sometimes he'd joke about how he'd have to start paying me to be his personal therapist. We'd laugh and that was that. What we talked about never left his office, and we were both better for it. I'd never let anyone know that Trunks was about to break down from the pressure of his job, or was almost to the point of insanity with all of the frivolous women he still chose to date. He was the Saiyan Prince. I would have done all in my power to help him keep all his royal perfect pride intact.  
  
It was a Monday morning, I remember not wanting to go to work that day. I knew I wouldn't get in trouble, and all the marketing reports had been finished two days ago. I picked up the phone at my bedside and called in sick for the first time in my five years of employment. My secretary said she'd take care of things as best she could and wish me well. I smiled and replaced the phone on the charger. After I'd been back to sleep for about an hour, the phone rang again. It was Capsule, the caller ID clearly displayed. With a groan, I picked it up. It was Trunks, calling to make sure I was okay. He explained that my assistant told him I was sick, and he was worried. How cute, no? He was worried. I smiled. I'm sure if he could have seen me he would have laughed. I told him that I thought I'd be much better by tomorrow. He seemed glad then said that he needed to talk to me sometime today. I told him to come over after work and I'd make dinner. He said he'd come, but would bring dinner. He'd feel bad making a sick woman cook for him.  
  
It was seven by the time he'd made it to my house. I answered the door with a huge grin. The first words out of his mouth were "You weren't sick." I laughed and pulled him in. We had dinner. I tried to get an idea of what was wrong by dancing around the issue at hand with safe questions. I asked about his sister, his parents, if he had a good day at work. Everything was of course fine. He helped me clear everything away. Then we sat down in my living room.  
  
I looked at him and bluntly asked what he wanted to talk about. A silence fell. It was so eerie. With our keen hearing we could hear every single running appliance. It seemed like I could hear the dust fall. Then he spoke. "I'm old, Pan." I'm sure he could barely read the expression on my face. I wanted to laugh, but knew I shouldn't. I told him that he was only... "Only 42." He finished for me. Was he that old? He certainly didn't look it. He still looked perfect, still was perfect. I want to comfort him. I wanted that look of pain to leave his eyes forever.  
  
He began to tell me that his life was such a joke. He always felt that he was living in his mother's shadow, even now when she had been retired more than ten years. He told me how empty he felt. Trunks expressed that he was lonely. He said he realized that he should have settled down long ago, should have started seeing the right girl long ago. Now, he was sure that all the women interested in him weren't after him at all. It was his money they wanted.  
  
I remember taking a moment to collect my thoughts. This was serious, very serious. He watched me with such hope. I believe he expected me to say the words that would save his soul. However, on some levels I knew he was right. How does one tell their best friend that options are pretty slim and he just might have to settle for less than perfect? It wasn't right because Trunks was sooo perfect. If I couldn't give him answers I'd at least try to give him hope. I took his hand and I had no idea what I was going to say, but somehow the words just began to pour out of my mouth like water.  
  
I told him that there would always be the right girl out there. That now was just a good of time as any to find her. I told him, whether he realized it or not, he was as good as or better than his mother. I assured him that his mother was so proud of what he'd done with Capsule. I wanted to tell him he was perfect, but it didn't feel right. So, I told him he was important to me. He was my best friend, and I loved him. I comforted him, told him that if he ever felt empty I'd be glad to fill him again as best I could. I watched his eyes through my entire speech. The pain never left like I had hoped it would, but his eyes filled with question, like he was pondering something that deserved his utmost attention. I was hoping he was taking everything I said to heart because I meant every word. After I had finished he pulled me in a hug so tight I was sure if he didn't let go I'd suffocate.  
  
However, being that close to him was unreal, beyond anything I'd ever experienced in my entire life. I realized all those other men who had ever held me were severely lacking and always would be compared to my perfect Trunks. When he finally eased his hold on me to a soft embrace, I began to drown in the smell of him. I also found that I had been right so many years ago. His arms were so strong I felt untouchable in his embrace. Still holding on to me, he asked how I became so smart in my young age. I informed him that I was getting old, too. He laughed and then agreed that I was. I pulled back and smacked his face indignantly. He just smiled brightly as anger danced in my eyes, and I informed him he was not supposed to agree with that statement. Still he laughed and hugged me again. Then the conversation took a turn to where I never thought it would go with Trunks. He asked me about my own personal life. Something I had forgotten to think about for a few years at that point. I had unknowingly dedicated everything to Trunks and Capsule. If he couldn't be my life directly, I had made him so indirectly.  
  
"Pan, why aren't you seeing anybody? Don't you get lonely?" He asked with such a caring tone in his voice. Then it hit me. I wasn't lonely because I hadn't found anyone to match Trunks yet. I didn't try to see anyone because everyone was a disappointment compared to the man that was holding me right now. Of course, I couldn't tell Trunks that. Still, I panicked at my own realization. His perfection had caused me to forfeit all belief in other males. I'd never be happy with anyone other than Trunks. I'm sure he felt me stiffen in his arms as I that thought passed through my mind. Finally, I gave a reply. I told him that was too concerned and dedicated to the job to worry about making time for someone else. It was partially true, after all. I mean I couldn't very well tell him that I was too in love with his perfection to accept another man.  
  
"But you aren't lonely?" he asked again. Apparently, he knew that deep down I was. I admitted that I was, lonely for him ,I added mentally, but when I thought about the men I'd already came into contact with, I thought being lonely was a lot better than being broken hearted again. He agreed with me, but reminded me that the right guy was out there then added, with a laugh, he continued to say he and I should start looking for these right people before they find each other and leave us out in the cold. My mouth moved without checking with my mind first and said "Well then you and I will just have to get together won't we?" As realization came to me, I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. In the current situation of being in his arms still, I used the only survival mechanism I had. I started to chuckle like it was all a joke.  
  
He pulled back slightly and looked down on me. I expected him to laugh or maybe be a little creeped out. Nothing could have prepared for me the softness of his eyes or the gentleness of his smile. Nothing could have stopped my brain from shutting down at the words that followed. "Would that be so bad?" We just looked at each other for ages. I went into some sort of trance, not fully aware of anything anymore. But before I fell into a stupor I remember seeing fear in his eyes, fear that I could also feel in my heart. Trunks was too perfect, wasn't he? I heard him speak but have no idea what he said. Then his lips touched mine in an unsure timid sort of way. Nothing like I ever thought Trunks' kisses would be like, but there was still a small spark from the contact. My hand went to the back of his neck and pulled his lips more securely to mine. He responded with the fiery passion I knew his kisses should possess. I felt his body, hard, and all around me. I drowned in his scent a million times. I felt his hunger for me, lowly me, and it only added to my hunger for him and the perfection I always felt was taboo and all buy untouchable. Everything felt so good, so warm, and so perfect. Then again I was kissing Trunks and he after all was perfect in every single way.  
  
That fiery kiss of passion started my life, with what I believed to be my always perfect Trunks. Funny how we blind ourselves in hopes of never having to admit we might be wrong. Funny how we're more aware of our own faults then those around us. Funny how one can let her admiration of one person captivate her entire life. Funny how once she experiences heaven she discovers there's a hell. Funny how my always perfect Trunks would teach me each of these facts without even realizing it. I suppose that would be the only flaw in my simply perfect Trunks. 


	2. Side B

The Sun Chapter 2  
  
In this world there are timid women, strong women, wild women, safe women, fun women, wrong women, and right women. What I failed to realize is that a woman can be all of those things at any given time in her life. I've never been one to really think about women for more than a day at least. None of them held my fancy. They were all empty, no substance. I found that my attention was far too important to bestow it upon any particular woman for any substantial amount of time. Sure, I've been called a ladies man. Later in my life some even called me womanizer. It's not my fault I'm hard to please. I am a prince after all. It's not my fault I found them all empty and very lacking. That was until I saw perfection. Not the type of perfection to be attracted to. Rather, the type perfection that I felt I needed to nurture to ensure that all of its potential was achieved. I found this perfection in Pan, the daughter of my mentor Gohan Son. For the first time in my life I, Trunks Briefs, was speechless the first time I held her in my arms, only days after she was born; I felt her aura held such goodness, such life, such perfection. Her eyes held so much wonder. She captivated me within seconds. She was perfect to me when I was only fourteen, before I really knew exactly how to give my own definition to perfection. I suppose she defined it for me without me ever knowing. Little did I know that as she grew, as her perfection would grow, she would become the kind of perfect that I simply couldn't resist, the kind that I had been searching for my entire life. She would become more perfect than I could have ever imagined that day I held her, but she would also become so perfect that it became a flaw yet she still remained my perfect Pan.  
  
As she grew I was always there to help her in whatever way she needed. She saw me as a brother or an uncle I imagine. I watched her grow. I watched her in all her perfection. I watched her become so many different women but still remain Pan, still remain perfect. She was like the sun, gave me warmth inside and out. She was like the sun giving light to everything in my life and making it brighter, healthier, and happier.  
  
Early in life she was timid. Pan hadn't quite grasped onto the fighting spirit I knew she possessed. She and I started her training in the fighting arts. Her Saiyan blood did her well, and she caught on quickly from the start. She mastered each level with such perfection. I was so proud of her, and only two things gave me gratification for being involved in her training. Her smile that she always gave me held such admiration, and my father had commended me on how well she fought, especially in her small stature. She was so bright and so down to earth. She wanted to learn and learned well. Still she didn't realize how strong she was. Even when she started school, she let people pick on her. I was so proud she was still humble. I remember explaining to her that she was a Saiyan better and stronger than any of the kids that were teasing her. Then she gave me that smile I loved. I hugged her, and then training began. Such child-like perfection, that was Pan.  
  
Some how I lost track of time with her for a few years because they passed by and before I knew it she became strong and wild at the same time. In her latter high school years, she became a partier. She was out all hours of the night doing things that her parents would have had a coronary over. She drank; she danced; she stayed out; she dated; and she experienced life. Many nights Gohan would ask if she was with me or if I knew where she was. I always felt he was a bit overbearing so I'd tell him training went long, and she had decided to stay over. A few hours after the father called, the daughter would always call to ask if her dad was looking for her or ask for a ride home. She always told me exactly what she had done and who she had done it with. I was proud to be her confidant. I was glad to be her protection. I was honored she felt that close to me, that she allowed me such ties to her perfection. I guess I believed that if I was around her long enough some of it would rub off on me because it was at that point in my life, I started realize I was much less perfect than I had originally thought. Well, maybe not less perfect, but not as perfect as my mother who wanted me to fill her all but irreplaceable shoes.  
  
When Pan moved away for college, I barely had time to notice. I was taking my mother's place in the office. She was training me, molding me into what I needed to be to keep Capsule at the top. Somewhere in the most inner part of her being, I truly believed that she didn't feel I could do as well as she required. That thought alone made me buckle down and work my hardest just for her approval, after all she was the only one I'd seek approval from, besides Pan. However, with Pan, it was an automatic stamp of approval. Things went smoother than I had expected, but it was still no picnic. Mother praised me sometimes, but I couldn't help but feel that she expected more, more than I'd ever be able to fulfill. Not even father put as much pressure on me that she seemed to, and he, with all his regality, expected perfection. Hadn't I been perfect? Hadn't I made perfect grades? Invented the best prototypes? Increases company stock by ten percent? Where were Pan and her perfection when I need them?  
  
She was off at Harvard. Had I know that I'd miss her so much indirectly, I'd never helped her get off the waiting list she had been put on. But she had come to my office in tears. She wanted more than anything to go to that American Ivy League college. As always, I couldn't deny her anything. I wanted her to experience life to it fullest. After I had only had private tutors my whole life, I felt that I missed out on so many things. I wanted Pan to have it all. She deserved it. She was perfect.  
  
I remember the day she came home. It was one of the happiest days of my life. She looked so good to me, and when I hugged her I felt that perfect aura again. Her aura surrounded me, comforted me, and told me that things were going to be just fine now that she had returned. I had missed her so, and now she had come back to me, my perfect Pan. I wasn't going to let her get away so easily if she decided to leave again.  
  
Pan started working for Capsule, much to my pleasure. It was all very surprising. She came to me again upset. Her parents had told her that it was time she made a life of her own. I knew that Videl and Gohan meant financially, but the shock of it all made Pan think they were abandoning her completely. She was afraid and unsure if she could make it on her own. She would never be completely alone as long as I was alive. She had to know that, if she knew anything at all. I explained to her that her options were innumerable. She graduated from Harvard, that fact alone would open doors for her. She was brilliant, beautiful, and perfect. She could do anything without any of her very promising connections to her parents, grandfather, or me. She was very self-sufficient. She just hadn't realized it yet. She couldn't see her own perfection. I offered her a job that day to work for me. I realize now that wasn't going to help her to prove her own self- sufficiency, but that day I was selfish, still feeling lacking. I knew with Pan working at Capsule everyone could profit from her perfection. Everything would run smoother. I could finally be as good as mother, even if it was only with Pan's help. Pan was perfect where my mother was not. With Pan's help there was nothing I couldn't do. She was not walking out of my office that day without accepting a position, and she didn't.  
  
She took the job no questions asked. She was thrilled that I wanted her to work for me. Promised me that she would give me her best work then gave me her best smile. The years she was gone, I had missed that smile very much. However as she leaned in to give me a hug, everything became wrong, very wrong. It wasn't the same. I felt her mature body in my arms and realize that she was no longer perfect in way I need to nurture but perfect in the way that I craved. She was perfect in a way that set my nerves on fire. It was like I was seeing her for the first time. I couldn't believe it. When did she lose the chubby cheeks? When did her hair grow out and lay so flawlessly at her shoulders and back? Where did she pick her up intoxicating smell? I had no idea that the innocent perfection that I saw so many years ago would become the intangible perfection I had wanted all my life. There she was, in my arms, perfection, but I was ashamed to desire her. She was a child. She was so young. She was sooo wrong. I felt vile, dirty, scummy, filthy, and any other derogatory adjective that would apply.  
  
I tried so long to make my attraction to her go away. It wasn't as easy as I thought it would have been. She was unlike any other woman I had ever come into contact in my life. Where all of the others were empty, she was overflowing. Where they all made me feel useless, she made me feel alive. Where all of them were flawed, Pan was perfect. I couldn't trust myself around her anymore. I found myself thinking about her, and if I wasn't thinking about her, everyone was talking about her and her amazing work.  
  
As everyone was taking in Pan's perfection, I was falling apart and realizing I was no where near perfect anymore. I was seeing so many women, so many their faces all blur. I searched desperately for just one that gave me any feeling at all like Pan had that day. Much to my dismay, not one came anywhere close, but I couldn't give up. The consequences of giving up were too large to think about.  
  
For years, I was had that inner turmoil, and Pan was ever-present. Literally, she was everywhere, if not in person, in name. She wowed every department head. Her marketing ideas were so simple yet effective. Everyone was starting to see the perfection I saw, I still see. The head of marketing couldn't praise her enough. When meeting with him, she was almost all he talked about. When he announced his retirement, he placed her in his position personally. It was that event that I realized I'd just have to live with it. She was perfect, perfectly untouchable. I'd have to do my best to live the rest of my life wanting to know if she was prefect in everyway but not being allowed to experience it first hand.  
  
I neglected our friendship for years, but when I need my perfect Pan, she was by my side in a second. She saved my ass so many times. I was falling apart. I couldn't handle the pressure of everything anymore. I couldn't stand living in my mother's shadow any longer. I needed Pan and all her perfection to lift me up like they used to. I needed her to hug me. I needed her. I needed her like I needed air, and I firmly believe that the distance I placed between us was the reason I was falling apart.  
  
With her new position, I saw much more of her. I experienced her beautiful perfect, fed off of it. There was always a battle with my attraction to her; I would feel the need to have her around all the time. I started asking her advice, sharing my inner battles, and rebuilding the friendship that I was forsaken because I had become afraid of her and her stunning perfection. My fear never faded, but we grew close again. I cared for her more than I cared about myself, always had. She was so perfect, so beautiful, and so wrong for me. Still, I wanted her, and no one else would ever fill the want that my mind, body, and soul held for her. A fact I realized with much regret. I could never have what I wanted so passionately.  
  
It had become a daily habit. I'd call Pan into my office around mid- morning. We would go over some things, and then I'd take her to lunch, or she'd take me to lunch. That was our routine. I knew that rumors were spreading around about how she was my latest fling. Part of me reveled in the thought of that. Another part of me cringed. Nothing ever happened between us behind my closed office door. I'll never forget the worry that came over me when her assistant told me she had called in sick that day. Pan was never sick, ever. There was no hesitation when I picked up the phone to check on her. She sounded tired but said she'd be better by tomorrow. I told her I wanted to talk to her. I guess I was hoping she'd invite me over. I really didn't think I could go a day without seeing her without falling apart. She uplifted me. I needed her.  
  
She told me to come over after work and offered to make me dinner. I told her I'd bring something. She really was perfectly selfless, or I thought so for the rest of the day. Moreover, I felt excited the rest of the day. I had never been to Pan's apartment for dinner before, had never been alone in her home before. I stopped those thoughts as best I could. I reminded myself she was sick. Everything went fine for the rest of the day until my secretary reminded me I needed to get my sister a birthday present and RSVP for her party. My sister was turning 30. Do you know how old that made me? OLD . . . where did my life go? What had I done? I needed my perfect Pan to tell me everything was going to be ok. I needed her more that day than I had in awhile. I needed her to make me feel perfect again. Only she could.  
  
Standing in the hallway waiting on her to open the door, so many things ran through my head. They ranged from problems at Capsule I needed to take care of to my realization of my old age, to the perfection of the girl I'd hope would answer the door soon, all the food I was carrying was driving me insane with hunger.  
  
Everything left my mind for a moment as I beheld her. She had blue pin stripe pajama pants on with a white tank top. Her hair was up in a pony tail. Her face was so lively and smiling in such a devilish sort of way. I informed her that she wasn't sick. She only laughed and pulled me inside. The whole place smelled like her, was filled with her perfect aura. I felt if I could just stay there forever I could be at peace.  
  
During dinner she asked questions in attempts to find out what I wanted to talk about. I danced around them as best I could. I wanted to enjoy this private dinner with her. It would probably be the only one I'd ever have. Tomorrow night I'd be banished back to my life as an old bachelor seeing a different girl every night finding them all lacking in comparison to the one woman sitting in front of me who was more perfect that anything I'd ever be allowed in life. No, I decided my problems could wait. I just wanted to enjoy her while could, as much as I could.  
  
Dinner was cleared and everything was put away. We sat down on her couch, and she flat out asked me what was wrong. I spilled everything to her, well everything that didn't involve her. I believe she wanted to laugh at me when I told her I was old, but realization soon came over her. She was quiet for awhile thinking of the perfect words to tell me. She looked me in the eye and told me that there would always be a right girl out there. I couldn't give up. She also told me that if I ever felt empty she'd be glad to fill me again. She said that she loved me. Pan loved me. That never occurred to me before. How could someone so perfect love someone as lowly as me? I knew she was serious; she loved me. Could she love me the way I truly wanted to her to though? I had to seek answers because that might have been the only chance I had. I hugged her close to feel her in my arms. I pressed her to me, held her so tight.  
  
As I loosened my hold on her enough for comfort but not letting her escape. I asked how she had become so smart at her young age. I wanted to insert perfect, but that really wasn't appropriate. Then again the thoughts going through my head as I held her were far less than appropriate anyway. Her reply was that she was getting old, too. I laughed slightly and told her I guessed she was right. She pulled back and slapped me across the face. I was a little surprised but still found it funny. My smile increased all the more. She laughed and embraced me in a hug again. The I asked a question I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer to but I just prayed there was hope for me still, she had said she loved me right? So I asked why she wasn't seeing anyone and if she was lonely. She went rigid then after a moment relaxed. I was informed that she was dedicated to her job right now, that she really didn't have time for anything else.  
  
I pressed harder and asked again if she was lonely. She said that the few men she had experience with had left her broken hearted, and she could live without that. I agreed that she could and added in my mind that I'd never break her perfect heart. But I'd never be allowed to possess it so it made little difference. I tried to lighten the mood again as I held her there feeling like she needed the comfort of the embrace as much as I did. Jokingly I told her that we better start looking for these right people for us or they might find each other. She spoke so evenly I didn't know if she was joking or not as she said "Well then we'll just have to get together then won't we?" I felt her freeze in my arms, there was something behind what she had said. I could just feel it. She started to laugh though, but it wasn't a flowing laughter. It was forced. My heart soared.  
  
I pushed her away somewhat. My heart was aching to see the truth in her eyes. There were questions in her eyes and she was scared. I discovered all this as I slowly, softly probed her eyes. A goofy smile came to my face as I asked her "Would that be so bad?" I held her eyes as time just passed us by. She was afraid. Was she afraid of me? I knew I was surely afraid of her at this moment. I was afraid she'd leave me, banish me from her perfection forever. I said in a hushed tone, "Forgive me." Then I put my lips to hers barely touching them. I was too afraid that she wouldn't accept me to kiss her like I really wanted to, but there was such a spark from the soft touch, I hadn't sense enough to deepen the kiss after she didn't reject me. I felt her hand at my neck pulling me to her. I felt her body mold to mine. I felt her. I felt her kiss me. I wanted more of her perfect kisses. I'd surely die without them. After tasting her perfection I only craved more. It was then that Pan became the right woman, the only woman, for me.  
  
That kiss started my life. Prior to that perfect kiss, I was on pause. That kiss started my life with my perfect Pan. But still as she pulled away I saw something in her eyes. Something that was less than perfect, something that was never to be in any way affiliated with Pan, my perfect Pan. Funny how we hide our true selves in fear of actually being discovered and judged for what we really are. Funny how one woman can jump to being so many kinds of women in a matter of minutes. Still she as she changed into all those different women she always remained my perfect Pan, didn't she? Pan taught me a lot of lessons, but how to be perfect was never one of them. 


End file.
